P-O-R-N spells lawsuit! Very good, kids!

This story almost makes me wish I worked in a school. I would KILL to watch Camp Rock during my work day. Even better than Camp Rock? PORN. Seriously though, if these pre-schoolers' parents are this upset by a 45-second showing of hardcore, explicit porn, then they should really get over it. According to my own scientific research, exposure to pornography before the age of 8 might just be the best form of contraception. Imagine... you're a poor, little naive 5-year old, sitting with your classmates, all excited to watch your favorite Disney movie. No job to worry about. No bad economy to keep you awake at night wondering if you'll have a penny to your name the next day. Not a care in the world. Now imagine a hardcore sex scene appearing on the screen in place of Demi Lovato and The Jonas Brothers. Confused? YES. Scared? INDEEDY. Intrigued? NO.

My scientific findings show that it takes just 45-seconds of porn-watching to scar a pre-schooler for life. So, really, their parents should be happy. They needn't worry about giving the dreaded "birds and the bees" talk, and furthermore teenage pregnancy and sexual experimentation at a young age aren't even options. Sex will be feared by these kids throughout childhood, adolescence, college, adulthood, and senior citizenry. They just may never want to have sex. EVER. Parents, rejoice!

But this theory now begs the question: how to prevent drug/substance abuse? My answer: take the 5-year-olds on a trip to an AA-meeting. If that doesn't do the trick, then take them to a rehab center during detox. That should do it.